In The Case of a Zombie Apocalypse, Join a Swim Team

You may or may not have known this, but I am currently involved in a high school swim team. This small factoid presents a few facts to be considered. One: I must exercise approximately four days a week. Two: I must go to meets in locations that I did not know existed. Three: On the bus ride to the meets, I will be inevitably bored.

About two days ago, I was forced into going to a meet THREE HOURS AWAY.

I learned many things about myself in those long torturous hours being trapped away on a school bus like a package of spam. One thing I learned, is that I have a knack for magic card tricks. You see, me being me, I bring a pack of cards wherever I go. It’s good for many things I have found, but I’ll make a short post about that later. Anyways, I also found out that no matter what way I sit on the seat, I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, be comfortable. But all those things aside, the meet went well, or as well as it could have gone. I met an interesting young gent, and I almost got into a fight with a large pig-like woman, but it all made for an interesting experience, and at the end of the night, I sat atop a boulder with two of my friends singing background for their Disney inspired duets.

On the way back from the meet, I was exhausted, so I listened to some Fanfarlo, and chilled. But that was not to be the case, for my dear bestfriend Kaysee was bored, and was not about to go down alone. You may enjoy reading her blog as well. I’ll add a link in a bit. Anyways, her boredom was infectious, and soon we were being smothered in so much boredom, we could not stand it. But then one of our favourite topics arose, and it entertained us almost all the way home. And that topic was: The Zombie Apocalypse.

You see, Kaysee and I are positive that the apocalypse will start at any time, and in such event, we would like to be ready. We won’t be those idiotic friends walking around at night or going out to eat in the midst of Zombieland, like some movies and pop culture depict. But I can guarantee you, those people do exist, and they will be the first to go. It’s probably best to think up a plan before hand, but in case you are stuck, here’s what Kaysee and I decided would be the most clever.

Option One:

Hijack a Wal-Mart or some sort of superstore. We suggest a place with food. Sorry Ashley’s Furniture, but not many people care about rugs in the middle of the zombie apocalypse. We also suggest that you bring along 7 to 10 of your most capable and trusted friends. If you bring too many, there is a good chance that everything will go to hell thanks to the stupidity of a large group environment. You will however need some man power in this time of crisis, so if you can, bring a soldier or a hunter. You should also think about bringing a doctor, chef, weapons specialist, someone who can play a good campfire instrument, and probably a Worst Case Scenario game. Make sure you have surrounded yourself with non-idiots, or everything will go to crap in about 42 minutes. Barricade the Wal-Mart to the best of your abilities, and set up guards and cameras at different posts throughout. If you continue this, and kill off the zombies that will probably break into your shelter, congratulations! You will survive the apocalypse as long as you and your counterparts stay sane.

Option Two:

Befriend a physicist, scientist, astronomist, and astronaut. If you haven’t figured it out, you’re going to space. Find a rocket. We suggest a big one. If you have the means, build a custom one right now, like in Wall-E. Make sure you can fill it with craploads of supplies. Your main objective here is to get water and food. Ignore the weapons, because if you haven’t noticed, zombies lack the ability to fly and/or operate heavy machinery. In space, you will be completely safe from the apocalypse, assuming you didn’t bring the virus with you. If you can, we suggest building a biome on the moon. Take whatever supplies you need to do it. It’s not like the zombies are gonna do it. If you have successfully done all this, you will no longer be dealing with disgusting, hungry, and unattractive monsters. You may, however, fall prey to starvation, but that’s only if you fill your rocket with sofas instead of canned goods.

Option Three:

When all else fails, join a swim team. Zombies can’t swim.