How To Survive Winter (If you aren’t graced with the ability to hibernate, if you are scared of the holidays, or you just generally hate the cold…)

In these dreary months of the winter, there comes many a challenge to those of us who cannot hibernate, or who do not love with every fiber of their being below zero temperatures. Therefore, I have decided to make a guide with different scenarios to avoid or conquer all those challenges that plague us in these frosty months. May you emerge victorious in the spring, with at least your sanity.

1. Christmas Cheer. If you enjoy mall Santas and endless Christmas music, skip to challenge 2. However, if you do not, here are some suggestions. Christmas brings a time of giving, which in turn means a time of buying, which means the dreaded fat man at the mall, and his not-so-merry little elves. This, on top of screaming children makes for a less than enjoyable shopping experience. My suggestion? Earmuff headphones. Keeps your ears warm, completely acceptable in cold weather, and drowns out the demon spawn of Satan screaming for racecars and my little pony. Don’t want to look at them either? Try getting those sights, like on the racehorses. Nobody wants to mess with someone with blinds on there eyes anyway. You look insane. (Note: Earmuff headphones also work for horrendous and non stop Christmas music. I know you want a hippopotamus for Christmas, I don’t need you to sing it to me four hundred times. You won’t get one either way.)

2. Biting, Cold Weather. It’s freezing outside. That is for sure. But you don’t have to look like a marshmallow everywhere you go. Try peacoats. Peacoats solve most any dilemma. I guarentee you’ll get at least 34 compliments this holiday season. Also, invest in a travel mug. You’ll need it. If nothing else, set fire to any large, looming object, such as a tree or an approaching deadline. You should be warm for at least the next 9 and a half minutes.

3. Winter Headaches. I get these all the time. In fact, I have one right now. Advil, Excedrin, and lots of it. Also, carry around a blanket to keep over your head to block out annoying blinking Christmas lights.

4. General Lack of Energy. Winter has a really skillful way of sucking the life out of everything. But you can combat this with dubstep and energy shots! Or get a puppy. They seem to make things better.

5. Flu Infested EVERYWHERE. Most everyone gets sick over the course of Winter, and if you are like me, you decide to get sick during Christmas. I suggest carrying a lightsaber around to slaughter germs, and maybe some hand sanitizer if the force isn’t enough.

I hope this helps during this time of cold and Christmas. If nothing else, learn to hibernate. I’m sure it’ll pay off in the long run.

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