How To Survive Winter (If you aren’t graced with the ability to hibernate, if you are scared of the holidays, or you just generally hate the cold…)

In these dreary months of the winter, there comes many a challenge to those of us who cannot hibernate, or who do not love with every fiber of their being below zero temperatures. Therefore, I have decided to make a guide with different scenarios to avoid or conquer all those challenges that plague us in these frosty months. May you emerge victorious in the spring, with at least your sanity.

1. Christmas Cheer. If you enjoy mall Santas and endless Christmas music, skip to challenge 2. However, if you do not, here are some suggestions. Christmas brings a time of giving, which in turn means a time of buying, which means the dreaded fat man at the mall, and his not-so-merry little elves. This, on top of screaming children makes for a less than enjoyable shopping experience. My suggestion? Earmuff headphones. Keeps your ears warm, completely acceptable in cold weather, and drowns out the demon spawn of Satan screaming for racecars and my little pony. Don’t want to look at them either? Try getting those sights, like on the racehorses. Nobody wants to mess with someone with blinds on there eyes anyway. You look insane. (Note: Earmuff headphones also work for horrendous and non stop Christmas music. I know you want a hippopotamus for Christmas, I don’t need you to sing it to me four hundred times. You won’t get one either way.)

2. Biting, Cold Weather. It’s freezing outside. That is for sure. But you don’t have to look like a marshmallow everywhere you go. Try peacoats. Peacoats solve most any dilemma. I guarentee you’ll get at least 34 compliments this holiday season. Also, invest in a travel mug. You’ll need it. If nothing else, set fire to any large, looming object, such as a tree or an approaching deadline. You should be warm for at least the next 9 and a half minutes.

3. Winter Headaches. I get these all the time. In fact, I have one right now. Advil, Excedrin, and lots of it. Also, carry around a blanket to keep over your head to block out annoying blinking Christmas lights.

4. General Lack of Energy. Winter has a really skillful way of sucking the life out of everything. But you can combat this with dubstep and energy shots! Or get a puppy. They seem to make things better.

5. Flu Infested EVERYWHERE. Most everyone gets sick over the course of Winter, and if you are like me, you decide to get sick during Christmas. I suggest carrying a lightsaber around to slaughter germs, and maybe some hand sanitizer if the force isn’t enough.

I hope this helps during this time of cold and Christmas. If nothing else, learn to hibernate. I’m sure it’ll pay off in the long run.

Why Zooey Deschanel Is Better Than Your Average Electronic Reader

I have not blogged in a while, because I was recently banned from usage of the laptop. It’s quite upsetting, because now I must use my iPod, and if I attempt to post a picture with my post, wordpress crashes. I found this out the hard way approximately two minutes ago when I lost an entire blog post when I attempted the simple task of including a picture with my words. Yet another reason why I abhor apple products. Anyways, currently I am watching Elf, which is quite magnificent considering when I was flipping channels, I was craving a Zooey Deschanel movie. If you don’t know who Zooey Deschanel is, obviously you are an extremely deprived human being. If you haven’t noticed, she is my role model/ hero/ favourite person ever. Well, more or less. I’m not a psycho fangirl or anything, but she is pretty awesome. Ugh. A nook commercial just interrupted my movie time. I really despise nooks. Sure they may be helpful or whatever, but I refuse to get one. Not everything needs to be electronic in my opinion, and nothing beats a good, paper filled, non-electronic book. I feel terrible for libraries. And if all anyone ever buys are electronic books, bookstores will start to close, and those are some of my favourite places to hang out! Zooey Deschanel is so much better than a nook. Here are some reasons why:

1. Zooey Deschanel has the voice of an indie-angel. Nooks do not.

2. Zooey Deschanel has been in some of the best movies ever made. (ex. (500) Days of Summer, Elf, Yes Man) Nooks are only in really lame commercials.

3. Zooey Deschanel has amazing hair that is always perfect. I’m attempting to make my hair that amazing, but it’s pretty difficult. Nooks don’t have hair.

4. Zooey Deschanel can play ukulele and is in a band with M. Ward, who is also on a level of awesome most people will never reach. Nooks will also never reach this level.

5. Zooey Deschanel’s wardrobe is probably the greatest collection of clothing any human being will ever own. You can dress up a nook, but they don’t have the attitude to pull off a dress like Zooey can.

Those are just a few of the many reasons Zooey Deschanel is better than your average electronic reader. My friend and I are revamping our style, and Zooey Deschanel is my inspiration. She’s going for a more “bombshell” look, which I could probably never pull off, but the Deschanel look works for me. I suppose it helps that I have a ukulele. Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to watch Elf. I’ll make a style post later.

When Boredom Comes, Knit Space Animals

So, I started a new blog post, but then I got bored with it. This is my second attempt. As if being sick wasn’t enough, my mind just had to go and throw writer’s block on it. Right now I’m waiting for my sister to bring me a pile of bacon from the kitchen. Granted, it’ll probably take a year off of my lifespan, but for the sake of meat, I’m willing to take that risk. Anyways, I’ll go for a run later. The stupid YMCA called me yesterday and was all “Blurble durble da pool heater iz nawt workin LOLZZ we are totes dumb HEHEHHEHE Bai.” And I was like, “EFFF YUUUUUU.” So now I have to go a week without swimming, and I’ll probably get fat and lazy in the meantime. The only form of exercise I have now is running, which in my opinion is the worst form EVER. Now, if you can run and not die, unlike me, great for you! But if you’re like me, running is worse than putting lemon juice on a paper cut. Ouch. That pained me when I wrote that. That was probably an exaggeration, but I’ll leave it. But the whole point of this was to write something and tell you what I was doing… Oh yeah! Ok, back to the bacon. My sister is making me craploads of bacon, and in return I am knitting her a manatee. Kinda like this one.

Cute right? I think it’s friggin adorable. Anyways, I’d say it’s worth a plate of bacon.

In addition to this, I will be knitting myself a fox, and my friend Kaysee a cat. I feel like that sentence was written incorrectly and that it portrays the idea that my friend Kaysee is a cat. If you had any confusion, what I actually meant was that I will knit Kaysee a cat. They’re going to be really freakin cute. And they shall be our good luck charms for swim team! Or… just knitted animals. Either way, they’re coming to swim team with us. This has been decided. And on top of all that, they’ll have astronaut helmets on! They’ll be super cute. Kaysee and I are fairly obsessed with space, if you haven’t noticed. I can’t remember how it got to that point, but I’m fairly positive Douglas Adams had something to do with it. But anyways, they’ll probably look something like this:

Just kidding. They’ll probably look like this:

But whatever the outcome, my Thanksgiving break will now be composed of running and knitting. And attempting to put music on my iPod. By the way, if you get the chance, don’t buy apple products. They suck.

Also, I’m unsure why this has two different font sizes. It bothered me so much that I had to write a footnote.

In The Case of a Zombie Apocalypse, Join a Swim Team

You may or may not have known this, but I am currently involved in a high school swim team. This small factoid presents a few facts to be considered. One: I must exercise approximately four days a week. Two: I must go to meets in locations that I did not know existed. Three: On the bus ride to the meets, I will be inevitably bored.

About two days ago, I was forced into going to a meet THREE HOURS AWAY.

I learned many things about myself in those long torturous hours being trapped away on a school bus like a package of spam. One thing I learned, is that I have a knack for magic card tricks. You see, me being me, I bring a pack of cards wherever I go. It’s good for many things I have found, but I’ll make a short post about that later. Anyways, I also found out that no matter what way I sit on the seat, I will never, ever, ever, ever, ever, be comfortable. But all those things aside, the meet went well, or as well as it could have gone. I met an interesting young gent, and I almost got into a fight with a large pig-like woman, but it all made for an interesting experience, and at the end of the night, I sat atop a boulder with two of my friends singing background for their Disney inspired duets.

On the way back from the meet, I was exhausted, so I listened to some Fanfarlo, and chilled. But that was not to be the case, for my dear bestfriend Kaysee was bored, and was not about to go down alone. You may enjoy reading her blog as well. I’ll add a link in a bit. Anyways, her boredom was infectious, and soon we were being smothered in so much boredom, we could not stand it. But then one of our favourite topics arose, and it entertained us almost all the way home. And that topic was: The Zombie Apocalypse.

You see, Kaysee and I are positive that the apocalypse will start at any time, and in such event, we would like to be ready. We won’t be those idiotic friends walking around at night or going out to eat in the midst of Zombieland, like some movies and pop culture depict. But I can guarantee you, those people do exist, and they will be the first to go. It’s probably best to think up a plan before hand, but in case you are stuck, here’s what Kaysee and I decided would be the most clever.

Option One:

Hijack a Wal-Mart or some sort of superstore. We suggest a place with food. Sorry Ashley’s Furniture, but not many people care about rugs in the middle of the zombie apocalypse. We also suggest that you bring along 7 to 10 of your most capable and trusted friends. If you bring too many, there is a good chance that everything will go to hell thanks to the stupidity of a large group environment. You will however need some man power in this time of crisis, so if you can, bring a soldier or a hunter. You should also think about bringing a doctor, chef, weapons specialist, someone who can play a good campfire instrument, and probably a Worst Case Scenario game. Make sure you have surrounded yourself with non-idiots, or everything will go to crap in about 42 minutes. Barricade the Wal-Mart to the best of your abilities, and set up guards and cameras at different posts throughout. If you continue this, and kill off the zombies that will probably break into your shelter, congratulations! You will survive the apocalypse as long as you and your counterparts stay sane.

Option Two:

Befriend a physicist, scientist, astronomist, and astronaut. If you haven’t figured it out, you’re going to space. Find a rocket. We suggest a big one. If you have the means, build a custom one right now, like in Wall-E. Make sure you can fill it with craploads of supplies. Your main objective here is to get water and food. Ignore the weapons, because if you haven’t noticed, zombies lack the ability to fly and/or operate heavy machinery. In space, you will be completely safe from the apocalypse, assuming you didn’t bring the virus with you. If you can, we suggest building a biome on the moon. Take whatever supplies you need to do it. It’s not like the zombies are gonna do it. If you have successfully done all this, you will no longer be dealing with disgusting, hungry, and unattractive monsters. You may, however, fall prey to starvation, but that’s only if you fill your rocket with sofas instead of canned goods.

Option Three:

When all else fails, join a swim team. Zombies can’t swim.

The Many Joys of a Pack of Cards

In my previous post, I mentioned the fact that I bring a pack of cards with me wherever I go, and that it has turned out to be extremely helpful over the years. Here’s a few reasons why, as promised:

1. It is the easiest and lightest way to bring about 200 different games with you wherever you go.

2. You lost/broke your pick while shredding on your guitar/ stringed instrument. The horror! Oh wait, you have a deck of cards. Just use one of those. Problem solved.

3. Ninjas you say? Psh. No problem at all, considering you carry in your pocket and/or purse 52 lethal weapons, all conveniently placed in a small carrying case or box. All of which are easily thrown in the same fashion as a ninja star. They won’t know what hit them.

4. Let’s say you’re out on a classy dinner date, when lo and behold, your date’s chair, the table, and/ or your own chair have decided to shorten one of its legs, resulting in a ridiculous amount of wobble that could easily lead to disaster. What are you to do? Psh, just use a few cards! No more wobble, and you look like a genius.

5. Finally, when you are out on your own in the wilderness, or more likely, in the midst of a zombie apocalypse, there’s a good chance you don’t have shelter. Ever heard of a card tower? Yeah. Best form of shelter you’ll ever build out of a stack of thick paper.

Why Facebook Is The Devil’s Spawn

Facebook is the spawn of Satan.

Why, you ask?

Ha. Many reasons of course!

I personally have a facebook, and I probably won’t be getting rid of it any time soon, no matter how much I complain. However I will refrain from using it as much as possible. Today I got on after about a month or so, just to check up on things, and shock! Nothing going on. Which doesn’t bother me. What does bother me, however, is the toll that it takes on my self esteem. Now, this isn’t some cry cry wah my life isn’t as interesting as yours bull. But facebook just makes you feel bad. I mean, you get on, and you see everyone having fun together liking and chatting and commenting whoopdee wee! But then you think of something really clever, post it, and nothing. Or even worse, let’s say you post on someone’s wall, really nice and fun and junk, just to see ten hours later they made a new status and posted on other people’s wall and completely ignored yours. Now, what probably happened was, “Hey, there’s my friend. Oh gosh, I have stuff to do… I’ll get to it later, or say hi at school.” No big deal right? No. Big deal. Because when that happens, your mind switches to “OH GOD THEY HATE ME.” Then you sit there for however long until some form of communication connecting you to that person pops up, all the while thinking in pure agony that your friend hates you. Then you also have to deal with relationship statuses, and those annoying little fights that happen between those two chicks you’re friends with because you know them, but you never talk to them, and enemies that you’re too chicken to defriend. And spending hours and hours on your profile liking music and movies and all kinds of things, just so your two stalkers will think you’re cool. And stalking a guy/ girl you like for six hours and kicking yourself over and over again for doing it, because they have any form of contact with the opposite gender. Oh, and getting on after a month and finding that you have maybe two notifications and nary a friend request. It’s just a great big mixture for stress in general, which is why I never get on anymore. Now I realize that this makes me sound like a complete psychopath with zero confidence and/or self esteem, but that’s really not the case. Everybody has those days when you feel like crap, and if you don’t, more power to you. I find that facebook is a leading cause of teenage angste. Though on those good days, it’ll make you feel amazing, which is probably why we continually use it. But I’ve found that I’m happier without it. I know I have friends, because I talk to people, and people talk to me. And granted, it’s a little more difficult to find out about upcoming events, but you know, I don’t need a social network to connect to my people. Especially when it takes your self esteem by the neck and punches it repeatedly in the face. I’m not protesting facebook or anything, because that would be idiotic, and hell, if you like it you like it. But listing off my reasons for sheer hatred of it is quite helpful to me, and it’s also a good topic for this blog that I never get on. So thank you facebook, for being I giant pimple on the face of society. May you die away in shame, just like myspace before you. You know, eventually. And I hear pinterest is getting ever more popular, so enjoy that.